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Hello everyone. This time I came to you with the need to talk about something other than what I have written so far, because I have not been able to deal with software, which is my main focus, in depth for a while. I thought I should at least write about what I am going through, maybe it will inspire someone.
Let’s talk about the subject. I have a 2.5 year old son who never stands still, who makes his father and me “wrapped around his finger” but whose smile is worth the world. 🧿
As the age suggests, we are experiencing what is called “2 year old syndrome” to the bone. Today I will tell you what it is. Then I was enlightened by a book I read, and I will summarize what I learned from it. If there is a bored, overwhelmed parent somewhere, I hope it will reach them and I will be able to provide some relief.
Let’s start…
What is 2-Year-Old Syndrome?
“2 year old syndrome” is not actually a medical definition, but a colloquial expression. This period usually lasts between the ages of 18 months and 3.5 years and is a transition period when children start to express themselves, but still don’t know how to express themselves. (I know 3.5 years is too long, we still have 1 year to go 😭)
In this period, children try to say: “I am in!”.
They want to decide for themselves what to do. But since they are not competent enough to do this, both they and their parents have a lot of difficulty.
This leads to a lot of stubbornness, tantrums, behaviors such as “no!”, “I will do it!”, “I don’t want to!”.
For example, lying on the floor in the mall because they don’t get what they want, shouting at the top of their lungs, crying, wanting to throw salt into the boiling food on the stove, etc. How do I know? 😊
Why do they behave like this?
A sense of self develops: The child starts to search for an answer to the question “who am I?”. He/she feels that he/she is an individual, but does not know how to manage this individuality.
He does not recognize and cannot regulate his emotions: Happy, angry, sad, scared… All emotions are present, but their ability to recognize and control their emotions has not yet developed. Therefore, they can shout, cry, throw themselves on the floor.
Speech skills are limited: He cannot say everything he wants. Since words are not enough, he tries to express himself with movements such as shouting, crying, jumping. Ours speaks very well but the result is the same 😂🧿
Why do they always get stubborn?
Because they want to be the decision maker. Situations like “not eating”, “not sleeping”, “not getting dressed” are actually places where they try to show that they are in control.
So sometimes they refuse not because the food tastes bad, but because they want to be the decider. For a while, we had an attitude like “Let’s go whenever you want, you can eat whatever you want”. We realized that we couldn’t cope with it and there was no equivalent in real life, so we stopped. 😒
Too Active and Dangerous Behaviors?
2.5 years old is a period when movement is at its peak. Muscles are developing, energy is high, curiosity never ends.
But there is no perception of danger. That’s why he jumps, climbs, falls, hurts… And when these behaviors cannot be stopped, it exhausts the parents too. It is not even possible to direct them to something else, let alone stop them. I can hear you saying, “Let’s get through this period without injuring ourselves.” 😂
Why is the Parenting Relationship Difficult?
This is a time when not only the child’s patience is tested, but also that of the parents. Constant conflict, lack of sleep, food fights, social pressure, it is normal to wear out as a couple.
While it is difficult to raise a child even when everything is fine, in such a period, spouses may blame each other, defend different methods, and even communication may break down.
I read somewhere that if you don’t divorce your spouse during your child’s 2 year old syndrome, you will never divorce again. Of course, this is a bit of an exaggerated description, but really, relationships, peace at home, etc. are shelved for a while.
So What Can We Do?
What I have written in this section is what we groped and tried before we met the miraculous book I am about to talk about, and after reading the book, we realized that there is still a lot more to do, although we have made some progress.
1. Offer options instead of saying no
For example, when we used to say “We need to go to the market, let’s get dressed”, we would get the answer “Nooooo, I’m not going, I’m staying at home” and we would try to convince them. At this stage, the market we were going to was closed and we couldn’t even make it. Then we changed our question to:
“Do you want to walk to the grocery store, or should we drive to the one further away?”
Or we started giving choices about food:
“Do you want to eat with yogurt or plain?”
The child who initially shouted “I don’t want to eat” started to say “With yogurt, of course” and sat down at the table.
This method both reduces stubbornness and gives the child the feeling of “I chose, so what I say goes”.
2. Establish routines
We have started to plan our day in certain ways: breakfast followed by play and free time in the morning, then lunch, then a flexible routine that includes a stubborn and flexible routine for sleep, then a light snack, games, dinner. Although the times sometimes deviate, we make sure that the order is generally the same. Even though this may seem like a compulsion to stay at home especially during the day, I personally prefer a peaceful child at home rather than a screaming child outside. 😌 Because habits such as eating, sleeping and playing at the same time give the child confidence.
3. Try to stay calm when you get stubborn
This part is so hard. But it gets worse when you yell. I’ve experienced it many times. He doesn’t calm down because you yell. When you stay calm, after a while he has to calm down, because it’s like you didn’t give him what he wanted, and his anger dies down. Unfortunately this is the way it is.
4. Direct to prevent dangerous movements
“It’s dangerous to jump from here, but let’s make a jumping area out of pillows.” But I have to admit that this method doesn’t always work either. “No, it doesn’t make a sound when I jump on the pillows, I want it to make a sound”, at least that’s how it is with us. 😔
5. Name your feelings
“You are very angry right now because what you wanted didn’t happen. I understand that.”
I’ve noticed that whenever I say this sentence when she is crying, even if she doesn’t stop completely, her tempo drops and she goes into listening mode. Especially “I understand” is like a magic word.
It helps him to recognize his feelings over time.
6. Talk openly with your partner
Who can tolerate what and how much, what kind of language do you use, do you make decisions about the child together… It helps a lot to talk about these things honestly, without judgment. Sometimes we do something like a division of labor. Whoever has more patience and tolerance that day says “okay, I have today”. And I believe this works very well.
Ready Made Sentences to Use in Difficult Times
In this section, I have written ready-made sentences that I found from different sources. Some of them I have changed a little, some of them I use verbatim. Some of them have worked and some of them have not. But it is always worth a try.
Temper Tantrum:
🗨️ “I realize you’re very angry right now, I’ll stay with you if you want, we can hug when you’re ready.”
🗨️ “You can yell, but without hurting anyone. You can yell at the pillow if you want.”
When you don’t want to eat:
🗨️ “You may not want to eat right now, that’s normal. I’ll leave you your plate in a moment if you feel like it.”
🗨️ “You can choose one of these three things. You don’t have to eat them all.”
Behaviors such as jumping and jumping:
🗨️ “It is dangerous to jump from here. But look, here is a jumping place we made out of cushions.”
🗨️ “If you want to jump, we can make a safe game with you.”
When he doesn’t want to sleep:
🗨️ “Even though you are not sleepy right now, your body needs rest. Let’s read a book and lie down for a while, and if you feel sleepy, we’ll close your eyes.”
Now let’s talk about the famous book. The title of the book is: Boundaries, No Boundaries. Author: Assoc. Prof. Dr. Saniye Bencik Kangal. Also known as academiciananne. I cannot recommend the book because I cannot find the English edition of the book, but I will provide a brief summary below.
When my son was 5–6 months old, I read the author’s Korkma! You are a Good Mother, and that was a period when we were struggling a lot with my son’s sleep problems and we were tired, it was very good. Afterwards, I never thought about whether she had other books or if I could benefit from them. I regret it.
I came across this book by chance when I was looking for another book and maybe it is very meaningful that it coincided with a period when we have been struggling with my son for a while and decided to change something, I don’t know.
I finished the book in 2 days because I was very interested in it and I found a lot of things from my own life and applicable. Now I will share with you the additional information I learned from the book.
Small but Powerful Changes I’ve Made in My Life from the Book
- Instead of “Don’t shout!” → “I can see you are angry, do you want to shout into the pillow?”
- Instead of “Don’t!” → “I can’t let you do that, but we can find another way.”
- Instead of “You’re going to sleep right now!” → “Now it’s time to rest, choose your book if you want.”
These small changes have softened big conflicts.
And best of all, I learned to recognize my own emotions while making space for my child’s.
What I Remember from the Book
- Try to understand the child’s feelings, not their behavior.
- Setting limits does not reduce love. On the contrary, the child feels safe.
- Instead of saying “no”, offer alternatives: “We can’t do this now, but we can do that later.”
- Patience is difficult, but children are learning.
- Without regulating our own inner voice, it is difficult to hear the child’s voice.
Favorite Sentences from the Book
“In order to prevent the wounds of your unseen emotions as a child from opening in your child, you need to clean those wounds one by one with oxygenated water. I know it is difficult, but every emotion you reject, every unresolved issue can deeply affect your parenting attitudes. The way to raise a happy and fulfilled child is to be such a parent.”
“Children follow the rules, unfortunately it is the adults who cannot enforce them consistently.”
“A child needs most of all to feel understood by his/her parents and most of all to know that he/she is valued in the family. A child who cannot find this in his/her family looks for this value in the eyes and words of others throughout his/her life. Because they have not realized their self-worth.”
“There is no need to have duck with orange on the table, the only thing needed at the table is conversation.”
Finally, don’t forget!
- You’re not a bad mother.
- You’re not a bad father.
- This phase is temporary.
- Sometimes just a hug can make everything better.
- Getting support is not weakness, it is strength. (Expert support can be sought if necessary.)
I hope I have reduced someone’s fatigue and exhaustion a little bit and created a small idea.
Thank you for reading.
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Can’s mom.
Selin.